Hello all. I was inspired by a post I read today about our culture’s obsession with perfection in all aspects of life, and how detrimental that is for every person. I would like to share with you my story now as I have on the other post. Please feel free to comment.
I began writing songs out-of-the-blue (literally) in adolescence as a cathartic release. I knew that if I did not let my emotions out they would fester inside, take over and consume me. For years, I went from embracing my gift to demonizing it. The subject matter of the songs were personal, intimate, honest, and sometimes dark. Some people understood what I was doing and it helped them put words and sound to their own pain, as it had for me. Most simply wanted to hear a “happy song”, which made me feel that the very core of my being was unaccepted and unwanted. I am incapable of fluff for an extended period of time, this I learned when I tried on a persona (in a mold as it were) that would be acceptable to people. As a result my body became immovable… it was sending me a message to rest still, find and nourish a safe place deep inside (in my view, the reason behind depression). My path the past 2 years has been to crawl back from depression and compulsion and open to experiencing ME. There is an inner voice guiding every person to their authenticity, love and power, and I tuned in. It was the path of least internal resistance; externally there was resistance to this, culturally of course, but it was clear that if the internal state is shunned or ignored the whole system spirals down. I had to confront the fear of being unloved for who I am, and I found love within myself I never knew was there. Then the love outside myself that was always there but hidden under darkness in others came to light. “Selfish” and scary actions were re-framed as Self Love: taking the time to walk through the woods, to write, sing, paint, meditate, do yoga, jog, go into a room of strangers and play a song, to write down nighttime and lifetime dreams, to tell a friend a secret that may hurt them, to do whatever it is my internal guide sees fit, for joy, for truth. As I began to understand more of myself, it was easier to open to others, to understand them, love them, have compassion, drop judgement and just see them as beautiful creatures with their own struggle. I realized that anyone wanting a “happy song” from me just wasn’t ready to deal with their pain. And that is ok. Their judgements on me lost its encompassing importance on how I feel about myself and my gift. And I send them love. And you. I send you love. I still have periods where I am sliding back into darkness, I am still struggling day by day to become the person I truly am, wholly filled with love and light. You may call that perfect but I would say that pure love is our natural state, without resistance, who we are. Art is a Great tool; it is an opening, an energy channel to release the shame and pain, to make it known, worthy and beautiful. And as of late a song of hope and love has come out of me, and I have been so surprised. And grateful. Listen inside, tell the world your pain in your unique way, and you will be led down a path to freedom for yourself and all. ♥